Good Energy Massage

Integrative therapy for the Body, Mind and Spirit.

Fear of Intimacy

We all desire that deeply fulfilling experience of intimacy, yet many people have two fears in the way of intimacy. In this article, discover what these fears are and how to heal them.

Emotional intimacy is one of the most wonderful experiences we ever have. Nothing else really comes close to the experience of sharing our deepest thoughts and feelings with another, of being deeply seen and known, of sharing love, passion, laughter, joy, and/or creativity. The experience of intimacy fills our souls and takes away our loneliness.

Why, then, would someone be afraid of intimacy?

It is not actually the intimacy itself that people fear. If people could be guaranteed that intimacy would continue to be a positive experience, they would have no fear of it. What they fear is the possibility of getting hurt as a result of being intimate with another.

Many people have two major fears that may cause them to avoid intimacy: the fear of rejection – of losing the other person, and the fear of engulfment – of being invaded, of being controlled and losing oneself.

Because we have all learned to react to conflict with various controlling behaviors – from anger and blame to compliance, withdrawal, and resistance – every relationship presents us with these issues of rejection and engulfment. If one person gets angry, the other may feel rejected or controlled and get angry back, give themselves up, withdraw or resist. If one person shuts down, the other may feel rejected and become judgmental, which may trigger the other’s fears of engulfment, and so on. These protective circles exist in one form or another in every relationship. When the fears of rejection and engulfment become too great, a person may decide that it is just painful to be in a relationship and they avoid intimacy altogether.

Yet avoiding relationships leads to loneliness and lack of emotional and spiritual growth. Relationships offer us the most powerful arena for personal growth, if we accept this challenge. So what moves us beyond the fear of intimacy?

The fear exists, not because of the experience itself, but because a person doesn’t know how to handle the situations of being rejected or controlled. The secret of moving beyond the fear of intimacy lies in developing a powerful loving adult part of us that learns how to not take rejection personally, and learns to set appropriate limits against engulfment.

When we learn how to take personal responsibility for defining our own worth instead of making others’ love and approval responsible for our feelings of worth, we will no longer take rejection personally. This does not mean that we will like rejection – it means we will no longer be afraid of it and have a need to avoid it.

When we learn how to speak up for ourselves and not allow others to invade, smother, dominate and control us, we will no longer fear losing ourselves in a relationship. Many people, terrified of losing the other person, will give themselves up in the hope of controlling how the other person feels about them. They believe that if they comply with another’s demands, the other will love them. Yet losing oneself is terrifying, so many people stay out of relationships due to this fear. If they were to learn to define their own worth and stand up for themselves, the fear would disappear.

The Inner Bonding process is designed to create a powerful inner adult self capable of not taking rejection personally and of setting limits against loss of self. Anyone can learn this six-step process and, with practice, heal fears of intimacy. Through practicing the Inner Bonding process, you learn to value and cherish who you really are and take full responsibility for your own feelings of worth, lovability, safety, security, pain and joy. When you deeply value yourself, you do not take rejection personally and become non-reactive to rejection. When you value yourself, you will not give yourself up to try to control another’s feelings about you. When you value yourself, you are willing to lose another rather than lose yourself.

Start to learn Inner Bonding now! Consider joining the membership community and receive the support you need to develop your loving Adult. Moving beyond your fears of intimacy will open you to the deep personal and spiritual growth that relationships can provide and the profound fulfillment and joy that loving relationships can offer.

December 9, 2010 Posted by | Sacred Intimacy | , | Leave a comment

Emotional Intimacy By Dr. Margaret Paul

Experiencing emotional intimacy with others is one of the most satisfying experiences of life. Emotional intimacy, or a sense of deep connection with another person or a group of people, occurs when each person is completely open hearted and devoted to taking 100% responsibility for their own feelings and needs. It occurs when each person is deeply connected with his or her own true Self, and connected with a personal source of spiritual guidance. When people are connected with themselves and with a source of love, truth, and wisdom, they become filled with love to share with others.

There is a huge difference between people wanting to get love, intimacy and connection, and wanting to share love, which can happen only when they are each filled with the love from Spirit that comes from taking full responsibility for themselves and doing their inner work. Out of their inner connection and their ability to share love with others comes the fun, the learning, the growth, and the creativity.

Emotional intimacy can also occur when people are open and vulnerable enough to share their fears, pain, and challenges. However, sometimes people get addicted to experiencing emotional intimacy through the sharing of their woundedness, rather than the sharing of their passions, fun, creativity, learning, and joy. While sharing pain can be an important part of a relationship, when it is the only way people experience intimacy, the relationship becomes codependent and dysfunctional.

True intimacy in a relationship comes from a deep commitment with oneself and one’s partner to kindness, compassion, presence, integrity, the intent to learn, responsibility for self, and faith in one’s own and the other’s essential goodness. It is the sweet, comfortable, light, safe feeling that comes from knowing that neither of us is making the other responsible for us in any way – that both of us are fully present with ourselves, with each other, and with Spirit.

Emotional intimacy is the natural outgrowth of developing intimacy with ourselves and our Higher Power. The more inner work we do to heal our fears and beliefs that limit us and learn to be open and honest with ourselves, the more open and authentic we will be with others.

Practicing the Inner Bonding process is a powerful way of developing this intimacy with ourselves and with our partner. Through the daily practice of learning to take full responsibility for our own feelings and needs, we gradually heal our fears and the limiting beliefs that cause our fears of being open, honest and transparent with others. Emotional intimacy is the outgrowth of your devotion to your own inner work.

Emotional intimacy is what takes away loneliness. We may feel lonely when we are alone, and equally lonely when with another or others who are focused in their heads instead of in their hearts. Our western civilization has stressed intellect much more than heart-centered feelings, which is why we are such a lonely society. Our loneliness goes away only when we are able to share our laughter, fun, joy, creativity, honesty, insights, and love with each other. When we are with people who are in their heads rather than their hearts, we may get stuck sharing our woundedness and our complaints, instead of being in the loving creative flow with each other that signifies true emotional intimacy.

Emotional intimacy feeds the heart and soul. Without it in our lives, we will always feel that something is missing. We can learn to connect deeply with ourselves and with our spiritual guidance, but we are social beings, and the sharing of love is the highest, most satisfying experience in life.

December 9, 2010 Posted by | Sacred Intimacy, Uncategorized | Leave a comment

Sacred Intimacy

Sacred Intimacy sessions consciously engage erotic energy, triggering its transformative and healing potential. In invoking Eros, we honor shame-free sexuality and pleasure as powerful modes of human expression and communion. Sacred Intimacy can be effective in dealing with wounds and blockages pertaining to sexuality and relationships.   But the practice of Sacred Intimacy may also enhance somatic literacy and emotional facility, allowing the body, heart, psyche and spirit to move towards alignment.

Sacred Intimacy sessions involve touch, talk, and breath work in which we explore an area of the Client’ s physical, emotional or spiritual life.

October 15, 2009 Posted by | Sacred Intimacy | Leave a comment

Body Mind Soul -Intimacy, Vulnerability and Commitment

This is an excerpt from a recent article that was published in the GLT  http://www.gaylesbiantimes.com/?issue=1116 by John R. Ballew, M.S., L.P.C. . I have had the good fortune of working with John and truly admire his gifts as a man and a instructor. Please visit his website and read some of the wonderful articles he has written ove the years.
“An unarmed encounter between two vulnerable individuals” is my favorite definition of intimacy. Most of us understand the “unarmed” part of that equation without too much difficulty. But “vulnerable?” That’s tougher. Especially for men; toughness is associated with masculinity – vulnerability is something we’re taught to avoid.
Vulnerability is a paradox. A friend recently talked to me about how much closer he felt to the person he was dating after getting food poisoning while on a skiing trip. The experience of being cared for while he was weak (and not very attractive!) helped him to genuinely feel the loving words his boyfriend had been speaking for several weeks. He’s not eager to feel that sick again, but he recognized that amid the misery, he received an offering that was very intimate and loving. Full Article
Many more Article on Sex & Sexuality, Dating & Single Life, Coming out, Emotional Well bing, Intimacy Skills & Issues etc.. can be found here.

May 19, 2009 Posted by | Sacred Intimacy, Sexuality | , | Leave a comment