Sacred Intimate Training with Body Electric
Last month I was able to attend the “Sacred Intimate Training” with Body Electric (BE), July 1st-7th. What a treat it was to be back at Wildwood and connect with some amazing men through the work of the (BE) School! I needed the time away to recharge my batteries. It was not my first time doing the training; the first was in Wildwood during the summer of 2007, when I had attended two back-to-back retreats; “Healing the Wounded Healer” and “Sacred Intimate Training”. It was an intense and life-changing two weeks that I will never forget.
For the past five years I had been coordinating & staffing events, so being a participant was a true gift. If you have never been to BE retreat, it is hard to put in words how powerful the experience can be. Through my own experience & growth, I realized how much more present I was for myself and the other men in attendance. Body Electric School has been very influential to me as both a man, and as a healer- for that I am grateful!! Through the gift of these trainings, I have not only gained confidence as a man, but also as an ‘Erotic Being’.
Massage and Emotions
I was working with a client today and afterwards we were talking about his experience on my table. He said that at one point he almost felt like crying. I replied that it is not an uncommon thing for emotions to come up during a massage/bodywork session, and all emotions are welcome here. When we deny or stuff emotions, we inhibit our capacity for healing and growth and truly be in the now and live and authentic life. When we look at ourselves, our body, mind and spirit and how they all play together it is no surprise that emotions can surface in a session. The challenge for most men and women is allowing themselves to be present for whatever comes up. I will certainly not judge them and invite them not to judge themselves.
Our life story starts at the moment we are conceived. Everything that happens to us is stored in our bodies or should I say our cells. Some memories are good and invoke feeling of warmth and security, some are bad memories that make us contract and clench our bodies. As a trained somatic therapist it is part of my training to deal with emotions. Emotions can be anything from anger, sadness, grief, panic, anxiety, frustration and even laughter and joy. It can be a simple sigh of relief or a deep breath. It can a few tears. Some emotions may just be a sense of heat or cold in an area of the body. “When the massage therapy begins to disrupt the underlying physical patterns behind the pain, then emotional patterns related to the chronic physical pattern may surface.” Psychology of the Body-Elliot Green
Sexual, physical and emotional trauma at any age can leave it’s imprint on bodies and emotions and leave our nervous systems overwhelmed and stuck in a fight, flight or freeze. Even the lack of touch and not taking time for our own needs can create a great deal of tension in the body. Overtime when we ignore our needs and emotions and do not allow them to discharge or be met in some way we can develop body armor. Armoring (self protecting) in the body is a natural result of trauma that has not been dealt with or allowed to be discharged in a safe environment. The effects of Trauma can be summarized as: chronic patterns of involuntary tension in the body that dampen or block emotional expression, alter perception of both the outer and inner psychological world, diminish or eliminate body felt sense awareness and even inhibit our range of motion. The war vet will think that a loud noise is a gunshot and duck and cover for protection. The man that was abused sexually/physically may think a touch with good intention is meant to do harm. People in car accidents that experience impact /whiplash may experience a stiff neck and chronic upper body tension, migraines and even tense up when driving a car. All these effects when ignored in the long run diminish our well being and quality of life.
As a trained Somatic therapist it is essential to offer a safe, nurturing environment. In a world with so much chaos and demands more and more people are living with overwhelmed nervous systems and trauma. The skill of being present with the client is essential. Being present is: holding space with open heart, free of judgment and hidden agendas of any kind. When this space is created it can open the door where you can totally allow the experience and be present for whatever shows up. To do this requires not only skill but that you have done and are doing do your own personal emotional work as well. With all my training and life experience I have had shed my won tears, faced my demons and have learned to set boundaries.
An emotional release is never expected. The point is to educate clients that if emotions do come up it is perfectly natural and part of growth and healing. And at some point if the client is truly showing up, surrendering to the experience and being present with themselves some form of emotional release is inevitable.
Healing the Fear of Intimacy
Are you sick of being afraid of intimacy? Are you ready to have the wonderful experience of emotional intimacy in your life?
Why would someone be afraid of intimacy? Don’t we all want to feel close and connected with someone?
Yes, of course we want that, but there are very real fears that keep us from opening to emotional intimacy in a primary relationship.
The Fears
What is the first fearful thought you think when you think of feeling close to someone?
“I’m going to be rejected or I’m going to be abandoned.”
“I’m going to be smothered, engulfed, controlled. I will lose myself.”
“If I lose the person I love through death, I can’t handle the pain.”
These are the fears that are behind the fear of intimacy. It’s not the intimacy itself, but the bad things that can happen that are sometimes part of an intimate relationship.
These fears come from the pain of having been rejected, or of having lost ourselves in a relationship, or of having too much loss without knowing how to handle grief. These experiences may have been so painful that you are afraid to experience them again.
Is this pain inevitable in an intimate relationship? Yes and no. The pain of rejection or engulfment is NOT inevitable. The pain of losing a loved one through death may happen and is always a huge challenge, but would you really rather live a life without love than face this challenge?
The Healing
The key to healing the fears is developing your loving adult self.
For example, you are in a relationship with someone you really love. One day, out of nowhere, your partner gets angry with you, shuts down to you, or threatens to leave you.
If you are operating from the ego, wounded part of yourself, your reactions might be:
“What did I do wrong?” (Taking it personally and feeling rejected).
“What do I have to do to fix this?” (The beginning of losing yourself).
Then you might also get angry or shut down to avoid feeling rejected, or you might scurry around trying to make things right, taking responsibility for your partner’s feelings. Out of your fear, you would try to control your partner.
If you are operating from your loving adult self, your responses might be:
“My partner is closed right now and trying to blame me or punish me for something. My heart hurts from being treated this way, but I know that his or her behavior has nothing to do with me. I cannot cause another person to act this way, nor am I responsible for how he or she chooses to behave. If my partner leaves, I will feel very sad, even heartbroken, but I can manage this feeling with deep compassion and tenderness toward myself. Now, I wonder how I can best take loving care of myself until he or she opens up?”
As a loving adult, you would not take your partner’s behavior personally and feel rejected by it, nor would you give yourself up trying to get your partner to open up. You might ask your partner what’s wrong with an intention to learn, and if he or she opens up, then you can have a productive conversation. If not, then you would compassionately tend to your own heartache and do something loving for yourself – take a walk, call a friend, read a book, and so on.
You would not fear being left by your partner, as you would not be abandoning yourself. You would know that you will take loving care of yourself.
Developing your loving adult self is a process that takes consistent practice. When you shift your intention from trying to have control over another not rejecting you, to taking loving care of yourself, you gradually develop your loving adult. The more powerful your loving adult self is, the less you fear intimacy. You no longer fear rejection because you no longer take others’ behavior personally, and you no longer fear engulfment because you no longer give yourself up to avoid rejection. As a loving adult, you learn how to manage loss so that you don’t have to avoid love.
The Inner Bonding process is a powerful process for developing your loving adult. Practicing the 6 steps of Inner Bonding gradually leads you out of your fears of intimacy and into the ability to truly love yourself and take loving care of yourself, so that you can share love with others.
Good Energy Massage 